


at least, next to nothing

by sternenrotz



Series: broken hearts hurt but they make us strong (queer horror verse) [23]
Category: The Horrors (Band)
Genre: Afterglow, Declarations Of Love, Discussion of Children, Implied Sexual Content, Nonbinary Character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 19:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15955670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sternenrotz/pseuds/sternenrotz
Summary: Tom realises something, and Josh has an interesting preposition.





	at least, next to nothing

**Author's Note:**

> titled after "You Said" by The Horrors (again).
> 
> set after Christmas of 2013, concurrently with the final part of this fic: ([x](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660548)). Josh doesn't like labels but uses spivak pronouns, Tom is the token cisgender friend of the group.

Tom curls himself deeper into the pillow when the mattress dips under Josh's weight. This throw pillow's cover is made from a velvety material with the parallel-lines texture of corduroy, but he really couldn't care if he woke up with welts on his cheek. And it's a red colour, the same shade as the back of his eyelids, even if the only light in the room comes from the dim bedside lamps.

He inhales deeply and slowly, like an attempt to blow himself back up after deflating into the sheets, and deeper than that, he inhales the smell that clings to the air. Josh's shampoo and conditioner and all the perfumed things ey uses to paint eir face, and eir cunt.

If he squints his eyes open by a tiny slit he can see Josh's naked form across the mattress from him, too, blurry through his lashes even with his contacts in. Can hear eir breathing, too, still a tick too loud after the sex, and almost feel that ey's looking at him, too, but he doesn't feel expose in any way.

He could say something, possibly, but he doesn't strictly feel the need to, either. Not to mention anything he could think of, Josh probably wouldn't want to hear it.

_I love you_ , Tom silently exhales into the pillow, and quietly wonders why it took him until that precise moment to put those three words in order. He loves Josh, and in turn that sounds so banal and obvious that he can't see why he'd even need to say it aloud.

Actually, he almost starts to shiver with the draft from the open window, in spite of the warm-honey feeling that courses through his veins and encases his bones. Maybe he should get up again, but before he can even move, Josh already drapes one half of the duvet over him.

“I was thinking again,” ey says.

Through the curtain of his eyelashes, Tom can see the fuzzy outline of eir glowy face against dark hair against the halo from the night table light. He makes a lazy noise, just enough to let Josh know he hasn't fallen asleep just yet.

“I know you're awake, so you know.”

Of course ey did. “Yeah?”

In eir sleepy, sexed-up voice, Josh says, “You remember when I said I'd let you father my first born child, right?”

And ey pauses for a short beat, like ey immediately realised that's an out-of=line way to start a conversation even for em. Of course, Tom couldn't think to interrupt em, but he remembers very clearly.

“I was thinking about that again, since I've spent so much time around your siblings, and...” Ey continues with eir voice bright and clear, like ey rehearsed the words, although Tom doubts ey put much thought into this prior to five minutes ago. “And you know I always said I'd want to be there for the kid's whole life, too, so I'd basically be their parent from the moment my surrogate pushes them out. I think I wanna go the step further.” At that point, ey pauses, as if to let the weight of what ey just said hang in the air. “So I can actually be there the whole time.”

For a fraction of a second, Tom can't say anything. On his inside, something feels like it's cracking, but only to make way for something brighter, better. Or maybe blooming.

Finally, he gets out the only coherent thought he can form, “Oh my God.”

Then, he laughs, even though it's not funny.

“I thought you were joking when you said that. About the whole first born child thing.”

More truthfully, he didn't think Josh would have remembered that incident until now, not with how drunk ey still was, but he couldn't say that either.

“No,” Josh insists, the same even, rehearsed tone of voice as before. “No, I wasn't.”

For some reason, Tom can't say anything again. All he can do is laugh some more, and it sounds off-tune even to his own ears. Finally, he repeats, into the air that seems to flicker with how much his nerve endings have lit up, “Oh my God.”

“Stop  _laughing_ at me.”

“Did you just decide that?” Tom asks next, but the exhilaration of the moment still carries in his voice. “That you want me to knock you up?” He immediately wonders if he should have said it, but also, he reckons it's probably good to know.

Josh wrinkles eir forehead, which probably answers that. “I didn't.” More quietly, ey adds, “I've been thinking about it for a while now.”

Tom thinks about that cracking sensation again, and he wonders if Josh is feeling something similar at the moment, both of them exposing their tender pink insides to each other.

“Are you sure?” he asks next. Not to discourage em, of course not, but as much as he wants to sink into that vulnerable plushy feeling, the weird gritty details of pregnancy creep up on him. “D'you really want the… the whole  _throwing up_ and  _being moody_ and  _back aches_ thing?”

His voice is doing something weird again, so maybe that's why Josh is laughing at him now. “Of course I'm not  _sure_ ,” ey says, eyes squinty and mouth big and wide to show all eir pointy teeth. “I don't even want to have kids for another several years, I think.”

“Okay.”

Nevertheless, Tom looks at Josh across the large mattress, and he imagines that eir face already has a strange, happy glow that it didn't have before. But maybe that's the wine from dinner again.

“I'm just now at the point where I think I could do it, I could get pregnant and not spend the whole time hating myself.”

“Okay.” Tom once again recalls every unpleasant side effect of all the pregnancies he ever witnessed, and he pushes them off to the side. “In that case I'm okay with that.”

His glance shifts to the space between him and Josh in this ridiculous bed, or more specifically, how much-too- _big_ it is.

“Come here?”

Tom adjusts his throw pillow so Josh can burrow into the space beneath his chin, and he wraps em in his arms.

“Okay, Bear?”

Strange how a person as tall and solid as Josh can feel so small in his embrace.

“Yeah, okay.”

Tom feels the words reverberate in his chest against Josh's chest at the same time that he hears them. This is just close enough.

“Hey,” Josh says next. “D'you think you can get hard again so you can fuck me some more?”

“I don't know if I can.”

Tom feels the ridge where Josh's ribcage ends under his hand on eir warm back, and he feels the soft press of eir tits against him on his torso. He'd like to feel more of that, just as much as he wants to keep holding onto em just like this, until their bodies no longer feel distinct from one another.

“Please. You can do it. I believe in you.”

Or maybe, Tom could have both at once. He presses a kiss to the part in Josh's hair, where it smells of coconut shampoo and eir sweat alike.

“Maybe.”

Josh presses him onto his back, back onto the heap of pillows, and Tom wishes he could see eir face again without either of them having to change position. He also finds it strange how well they fit together, like two halves of a whole, or two hands that slot into each other. That's strange on multiple levels.

“The first time I met you,” he says next, “I thought you were the most unapologetic, larger-than-life, gorgeous creature I'd seen my whole life.” He actually thinks back to his very first encounter with Josh, and he adds, “Other than me not understanding what your deal was.”

Josh snorts. “My very first time I met you, I just thought you were a dickhead.” Ey nudges Tom's chin from beneath with eir head and adds, “My favourite dickhead.”

“I can see why you'd say that.” He doesn't know what that's in reference to.

“Strange, innit.” They can definitely both agree on that. Josh adds, “And now I trust you with my whole life and fertilising my babies.”

Tom isn't sure what to say to that. He wishes he could say everything he wants to say at once, but he couldn't begin to figure out what all those things are. What he settles for is, “Yeah.”

“Pretty good for a sugar daddy and his baby.”

Tom only laughs at that. Actually, one thing in particular he wants to say above all the others.

“Hey.”

He waits for Josh to tilt eir head up so he can kiss em, slow and tender. Maybe he should just keep doing that, maybe he doesn't even need words to tell Josh. Although he does really want to.

“I love you.”

It's trivial and self-evident and grand and earth-shattering all at once, and Josh hums and kisses the words out of his mouth.

“I love fucking you,” ey says in eir sleepy voice, and ey slides down the mattress to kiss his chest next.

Tom wonders if ey can feel his booming pulse in eir lips. His heart is full.


End file.
